Welcome to Read This Before I Die’s first ever Top 5 List. This edition is my top five movies of all-time, with a couple of extras thrown in. I’m sure many people will agree that these are, in fact, the top five movies ever made, but feel free to disagree even though you’re wrong:
The Hangover (2009) - Rotten Tomatoes Scores 74/84 - these are probably the highest Rotten Tomatoes scores you’ll see in this blog - and it’s because this classic buddy movie appeals to everyone. Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms and Zach Galifianakis are all great searching for their lost buddy after a night in Vegas. Any movie with a speaking role-cameo by Mike Tyson is bound for glory!
Quote of the Movie: Helms: “She’s got my grandmother’s Holocaust ring”. Galifianakis: “I didn’t know they gave out rings at the Holocaust!”
We’re the Millers (2013) - Rotten Tomatoes scores 48/74. A great family movie about paying people to act like your family members in order to smuggle drugs across the border. Starring Jason Sudeikis and Jennifer Aniston, this movie’s supporting cast, namely “Kenny” and “Scotty P.” help make this movie great.
Quote of the Movie: Scotty P: “I’m Scotty P - you know what I’m sayin?”
Dodgeball (2004) - Rotten Tomatoes scores: 71/76. Vince Vaughn and Ben Stiller star in the epic movie about Vaughn’s underdog group of nerds trying to save their gym (Average Joe’s) from being taken over by Stiller. Vaughn shines, and Stiller excels in his role as the super-fit owner of Globo Gym. Jason Bateman shows his range as the dodgeball announcer.
Quote of the Movie: Patches O’Houlihan: “Holy hell, son, you’re about as useful as a cock flavored lollipop.”
Step-brothers (2008) - Rotten Tomatoes scores: 55/69 - this one stars Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly as adult sons who become step-brothers and move in together with their newly married parents. Ferrell and Reilly are hilarious when they initially hate each other and equally funny when they become buddies. Basically this movie is what would happen if Will Manzi’s father married Brian Scott’s mom.
Quote of the Movie: Ferrell: “I teabagged your drum set.”
Wedding Crashers (2005) - Rotten Tomatoes scores: 75/70 - Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson star in this classic comedy about two single men that crash weddings to pick up women. Reminds me of my wild high school days when I hid in my bedroom alone for hours and played video games….
(Don't worry - I wouldn't pick a movie without Will Ferrell in it as #1. He plays the crashers mentor and even starts crashing funerals.....)
Quote of the Movie: Vaughn: “The painting was a gift, Todd.”
Honorable Mention: The Internship (2013) Rotten Tomatoes scores: 35/51. This movie slaps like Will Smith at the Oscars. Vaughn and Wilson are together again in this underrated gem of a movie. The two washed up salesman decide to try out for an internship at Google. Vaughn and Wilson shine while leading their group of lovable nerds in the competitive events needed to win internships. Yes, there is a Will Ferrell appearance.
Quote of the Movie: Vaughn: “Exchange-a-gram moment, bitches!!!!!!!”
Movie Where the Sequel is Just as Good as the Original: Tie between Grown-ups, Horrible Bosses, Anchorman and Daddy’s Home.
Quote of the Movie(s):
Grown-ups 2: Chris Rock: “I don’t believe no one’s even scared of a black guy anymore! Damn you Obama!!!”
Horrible Bosses 2: Jennifer Aniston: “Did you suck that cock like a bomb pop down to the blue?”
Anchorman 2: Will Ferrell: “Which one of you pipe hittin bitches can pass the salt?”
Daddy’s Home 2: Will Ferrell: “But you’ll be sad ultimately knowing that she’s not with you and you wanna prepare yourself like a mixtape of sad songs. Anything from Chicago is usually pretty good.”
Movie Starring Vince Vaughn and Will Ferrell that Somehow Didn’t Make the Top Five: Old School (2003). Rotten Tomatoes scores: 60/86. Vaughn and Ferrell, along with Luke Wilson are grown men who start their own fraternity. Hilarity ensues. Reminds me of my college years living with my parents, commuting to school and spending a lot of time locked in my room playing video games.
Quote of the Movie: Ferrell: “Honey do you think KFC is still open?”
Best Movie You’ve Never Heard About: That’s My Boy (2012). Rotten Tomatoes scores: 20/51. Adam Sandler’s character had a teenage romance with his school teacher that resulted in the birth of Andy Samberg. Years later, the estranged Samberg has a successful new life and is getting married when Sandler shows up to the wedding uninvited. This movie is crass yet hilarious and even has Vanilla Ice starring as himself!
Quote of the Movie: “Vanilla Ice banged grandma? That’s fucking awesome!”
Best Christmas Movie: Elf (2003). Rotten Tomatoes score 85/79. Will Ferrell as a human raised by elves searching for his father in New York City. A Christmas classic.
Quote of the Movie: Ferrell: “This place reminds me of Santa’s Workshop, except it smells like mushrooms and everyone looks like they want to hurt me.”
Best Christmas Movie You Haven’t Seen: Four Christmases (2008). Rotten Tomatoes score: 25/47. Vince Vaughn and Reece Witherspoon star as a couple that did all they could to avoid their relatives but somehow gets stuck going to all four of the parents’ houses on Christmas. Vaughn is classic Vaughn. And nothing says Christmas like classic Vince Vaughn.
Quote of the Movie: Vaughn: “Woman! Do your job and swaddle this baby!!!”
Bonus Quote: Robert Duvall: “Boys, I don’t want to speak ill of your mother on Christmas, but she’s nothing but a common street whore!”
(Not the) Best Rated R Movie to Take Your Young Kids to See: The Watch (2012). Rotten Tomatoes score: a healthy 16/39. My boys were 13 and 11 when I took them to the Showcase Cinema in Lowell to watch Vince Vaughn, Ben Stiller and Jonah Hill battle aliens whose home base on earth is Stiller’s Costco store. My two young boys enjoyed all of the swears and violence, and especially liked the orgy scene. Equally loved was the fact that the aliens’ weak spot was their **Spoiler Alert** groin. Father-of-the-year nominations were flowing that year.
Quote of the Movie: Stiller: “Costco is for members only!”
I know what you’re thinking: “there’s so many movies he missed”. You’re right! I couldn’t find a place for Happy Gilmore (“The price is wrong, bitch”), The Wedding Singer (“Julia Gulia”), Superbad (“I’ll be like the Iron Chef of pounding vag”), Talladega Nights (“If you ain’t first, you’re last”), The Other Guys (“I did my first desk pop!”) and more. But there’s only so much room in a top five. Stay tuned for a future blog rating the top five movies without Vince Vaughn, Will Ferrell or Ben Stiller.
only comedies? no mike Meyers? No three flavours cornetto? wtf is this list